JOHN SAYS - SUZAN SAYS

People seem to get a kick out of reading John & I's conversations - so here's a collection of them in one easy spot to read - there's tons more to come I'm sure - stay tuned.


Please note these are not complaints - they are merely observations
Sometimes when we're laying in bed and one of these conversations take place,
I promptly jump out of bed and run to the office to write them down - they're far
too priceless to be left to memory.
Just call me Emily ( as in Bronte )
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My crown jewels -
HERE
Faking it in bed ( not what you think )
HERE
You don't bring me FLOUR anymore
HERE
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Cooking is a VERY new endeavor of John's -
He wanted to make hamburgers and it was too snowy outside to use the bar-b-que
so I mentioned that he could always broil them.
After dinner I went in to clean the kitchen - and discovered a cookie tray sitting on the counter.
Suzan says - Don't tell me you're going to make cookies - wow - I'm impressed!!!!
John says - No, why?
Suzan says - There's a cookie tray on the counter
John says - We had broiled hamburger, remember? ( shaking his head at my ridiculous question )
Suzan says - Why didn't you use the broiler?
John says - I DID use the broiler
Suzan says - Oh because there's a cookie tray on the counter
John says - YES - BECAUSE I BROILED THE HAMBURGER
Suzan - Ok - so why is there a cookie tray on the counter!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John says - you make no sense sometimes
Suzan says - John - what's a broiler?
John says - It's on the dial on the stove.
Suzan says - It's a pan you use when you're BROILING something.
John says - BROIL is an option on the stove Suzan, not a special pan......................

who's on first?
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Watching something on Cindy McCain ( John McCain's wife ) and they're talking about how wealthy she is - and John says - yeah well of course - she's married to a McCain
I say - John McCain wasn't wealthy until HE married HER
John says - C'mon - McCain's is a gigantic company
Do you mean McCain's Foods?
First of all they're a Canadian company John
And second of all there's NO RELATION
Oh - maybe I was thinking of John Kerry then
( ok that makes sense I suppose - McCain's is most famous for their frozen fries - John Kerry's wife is an heiress of Heinz Ketchup - do you see the connection there? )
You have to pay close attention in this house........................

who's on second?
________________________________________________________________________________

John asked me for directions on how to boil pasta.
No punch line here, that's it.
Except it's only fair to tell you - he was dead serious.
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Watching something the other night - and the subject of Redd Foxx comes up and John says
" Oh look - Red Skeleton "  ( it doesn't count if you get the first name right )
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I was listening to some Jim Croce on you tube - and I played Bad Bad Leroy Brown -
Suzan says - I can remember dancing to that song
Suzan says - Did you dance to it?
John says - Yep  ( John does NOT dance )
Suzan says - what dance did you do?
John says - the hippy hippy hop
Suzan says - what the hell is that ?
John says - DON'T POST THAT - YOU UNDERSTAND?
( oh but I have to John - I absolutely have to )
I almost fell off the chair laughing -
I'm still laughing - is that not the funniest thing?
He stormed out of the office with me chasing him down the hall shrieking with laughter
I've been hippy hippy hopping all over the house for the past hour.....................
Well my version of it anyway - he won't show me how to do it.
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Last night we were watching one of those true crime shows and it's hosted by Susan Lucci - I think it's called Fatal Vows ( not important ) and John didn't know who she was, so I was explaining that she played a sort
of a Scamp - a camp and a bit of of Tramp, 
John says - Very good Suzan
Suzan says - What?
John says - A Scamp a camp and a bit of a Tramp 
Suzan says - you think it's catchy?
John says - Yeah, you could probably make a song out of that.....................
Suzan says - Who do you think should sing that?  Hmmm. Maybe Cher?
Suzan says - IT'S ALREADY A SONG
Suzan says - Where were you in the 70's anyway?
John says - Oh yeah - now I remember
Suzan says - No you don't
John says - Of course I do
Suzan says - ok - where's it from
John says - Chicago...........................

Now some of you may not remember that song - but if you were around in the 70's I just don't know
how it's possible!
( btw I could soooo picture Renee Zellwegger singing that and doing the hippy hippy hop instead of "Roxie" ) in Chicago ( the musical )...............
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Baby it's cold outside! 

Last night it was cold here!!!
Cold as in oh my God I am so not ready for this.
Cold as in the windows have to be closed.
Cold as in

John says " tonight would be a perfect time for a fire "
Suzan says " oh that would be so nice !!! "
Suzan says " do you feel like a hot chocolate to go with that fire? "
John says - " that sounds great, thanks "

And that's as about Ozzie and Harriet as we can ever get because moments later while I was in
the kitchen making hot chocolate

John yells " SUZANNNNNN "
Suzan says - do you have to yell every time you say my name?
John says - " Can you come here for a moment please ? "
John says - " kindly tell me how I'm supposed to start a fire? "
John says - " does every nook and cranny have to be covered in this house?
John says - " it's become totally unfunctional "
Suzan says - " what has? "
John says - " our home "
Suzan says - " do you live in it?  do you sleep in it? do you eat in it? then it's functional! "
John mumbles - barely


WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM ANYWAY?  DOESN'T EVERYONE STYLE THEIR HEARTH SO THAT YOU CAN'T GET TO THE INSERT?
You can read the whole post HERE




On painting a door stopper
John yells " what the hell is that??????????????"

Suzan says - what now?
JOhn says - you painted the door stopper?
Suzan says - yes I painted it - but there was a reason for it
John walks into the office holding it in his hand and says - 
 " Which habitat exactly do silver squirrels come from?"
Suzan says - the same one where silver foxes reside, obviously
John says - you know Suzan - we're going to have to draw the line here at some point - I mean now you're just being ridiculous with the paint
Suzan says - Pls don't speak to me like I'm a child - there's a very good reason for this -  I did it because it frightened me every night.............
John says - the door stopper was frightening you?
Suzan says - yes - it terrified me actually - it looked like a rat
John says - I've never seen a rat with a squirrel's tail in my life
Suzan says - don't talk foolish John - the tail goes on the other side of the door 
John says - well it should scare you even more now then - because now it looks like the bloody ghost of a squirrel...........
Suzan says - well it didn't turn out as cute as I thought it would
John says - guess you won't be blogging about it then
Suzan says - Good night John
John says - Good night Suzan




Suzan yells out - put Sammy back in front of the door please

You can read the whole POST HERE



On needing his help sanding a piece of furniture I messed up


Suzan says - JOHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
John says - What now?
Suzan says - Before you come in - I'm warning you that if you shake your head and tell me " I told you so "
I'll completely break down into uncontrollable tears - DO NOT COME HERE UNTIL YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL HELP ME OUT WITHOUT A SCENE
John says - I think you're overreacting ( but he can sense my despair and very kindly says ) anything can be fixed ( which is NOT his typical response btw ) 
Suzan says - Ok come in - you're simply the best you know - I don't know what I would
John interrupts - What the hell happened here?
Suzan says - I didn't prime the table so the paint didn't take
John says - Well I don't understand - why would you skip such a crucial step?
Suzan says - I messed up - it happens you know - I'm not perfect 
John says - Why the hell do you always have to go one step too far anyway - what's with the flowers - if I've told you once I've told
Suzan interrupts - YOU MADE A PROMISE - ok get out - with my finger pointing out of the room - 
John says - You know you're getting an artist's temperment, you know that right?
Suzan says - I'm NOT an artist, I'm just a " Suzan "
John says - ok - what do you want me to do?
Suzan says - Could you sand the entire surface down for me honey bunny schnookums?
John says - I'm getting fed up of this - it's happening too often - I just wish you'd THINK before you start these projects....................FLOWERS DON'T BELONG ON COFFEE TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do your blogger friends know where you keep the sander? No I didn't think so!  You don't tell them that I have to crawl under the dining room table to a box you keep under there and dig through it to find the sander, do you? You don't tell them I crack my head every single time, do you?  




On asking him to sand down a piece of furniture I had messed up  ( again ) 


Suzan says - Johhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnn
John says - oh oh - don't like the sound of that
Suzan says - It's happened again - I'm ready to quit this whole painting furniture thing
John says - Hold on, I'm coming
John says - Oh my God - CAN YOU PLEASE JUST PAINT FURNITURE WITHOUT ADDING ALL THESE DOO DADS TO EVERYTHING?????????????
John says - I suppose I have to sand this down too?
John says - I may as well just wear the sander on my belt loop
Suzan says - Thanks John - I really do appreciate your help

and later that day


John says - SUZANNNNNN - can you come here for a second?
Suzan say - coming!
John says - What the hell is this exactly?
Suzan says - I made that for you - isn't it obvious what it is?
John says - no, not at all- and I don't appreciate it either
John says - stay out of my cupboard please
John says - you're driving me insane really
Suzan says - but you said you may as well wear the sander on your belt

and that's the appreciation I get for creating his very own sander harness - 
there's some weeks you just can't win




you can read the whole post here




On signs I made

so that night I crept out in my p.j.'s into a pitch black alley and darted over to the neighbours pile - trying to make out what I could take and as I was rummaging through it all - BANG CRASH SMASH - I dropped the whole pile into a heap ( they were all neatly leaning against the fence ) and just like a cat burgler, I froze, took stock of my surroundings and made a mad dash back to my house holding two precious pieces of rotting wood, with my heart pounding in my chest - and just as I made it to my side - a GIANT - and I mean GIANT raccoon runs across my path - Dear God - I must have a strong heart because I was terrorized beyond belief -
Keep in mind I waited till the darkness of night ( after midnight ) because I didn't want to be caught doing this.  After I narrowly escaped being attacked by a wild raccoon I quickly ran up my back steps only to have
my Sensor Light come on ( the reason these are installed is to deter burglers ) and catch me right in the act.
If any of my neighbours woke up from the sound of the crashing wood - they would have made it to their windows just in time to see me sneaking into my back door in my pink and blue striped p.j.'s................
I'm telling you I'm sure I could have scared off any potential crook in my get up.
BUT I GOT THESE


John says - What the hell is going on out there - was that you making all that noise?
Suzan says - Yes, I was trying to chase a raccoon away from the garbage






and now here comes 2 of the most unbelievable conversations you can imagine ( at least in my mind )
The 1st sign





Suzan says - What do you think?
John stares and stares and says nothing - just shrugs his shoulders
Suzan says - You don't like it?
John says - Well it's totally unrealistic isn't it - I mean where are you going to find coffee and pie for 25 cents?
Suzan says - You never cease to amaze me John - OBVIOUSLY it's supposed to be an old sign...........
when you could actually get coffee and pie for a quarter - there was such a time you know
John says - Did you research that? How do you know that?
Suzan says - Listen - it's not a Shakespeare quote for crying out loud - it's supposed to be a fun little sign. It really doesn't matter if it's historically accurate.
John says - Doesn't make much sense to me, that's all
Suzan says - I made the price section in chalkboard paint - would it make more sense to you if it said 7.95
John says - Well that would be more like it, wouldn't it Suzan - and by the way - I'm sure most people would agree with ME on that one.................
John shakes his head - 25 cents for coffee AND pie - and chuckles as he walks away

Part 2 -







Suzan says - What about this sign?
John says - I've heard about that place
Suzan says - Well you've been to Mexico on business - maybe you went to Margaritaville
John says - No - definitely not
John says - Wasn't there a song about that place?
Suzan says - Yes, in fact there was John - I'm amazed you know it
John says - Of course I know it
Suzan says - What's the song about John ?
John says - A place called Margaritaville Suzan -



What would I ever do without you John - I'd have nothing to write about honey!!!










On wanting to keep a dresser instead of selling it

John says - It's looking good Suzan - how much do you think we can make on it?
Suzan says - Oh John - I just can't bear to part with it - I HAVE to keep this
John says - Spare me the Scarlett O'Hara drama, we can't get it into our room
Suzan says - I measured the wardrobe that's in our room - and it's bigger then this, so we can definitely get it in
John says - We had professional movers bring that in - and the room was empty at the time
Suzan says - So we'll just empty out the room - bring it in - and put everything back in
John mimics - So we'll just empty out the room - bring it in - and put everything back in - in a squeaky voice - I don't have a squeaky voice
Suzan says - You always make everything sound impossible and I always prove you wrong - so why don't we just give it a try - stop making everything so complicated all the time - and we'll sell the one that's in there now.
John Thunders - I MAKE EVERYTHING COMPLICATED? THAT'S RICH - THAT'S REALLY RICH
YOU WANT TO EMPTY OUT AN ENTIRE BEDROOM TO GET A DRESSER IN IT AND THEN PUT EVERYTHING BACK IN??????????
Suzan says - Yes - that's exactly what I want to do - you know John - some husbands move heaven and earth for their wives - I have a hard time getting you to move a dresser
Suzan says - and while the furniture is out - I'd like to paint the bedroom floor
John says - PAINT THE BEDROOM FLOOR???? I've got an idea - why don't we paint the window at the same time?  That way you don't have to worry about curtains ever again - and then absolutely every square inch of the bedroom will be painted.
Suzan says - well that's just ridiculous -
John says - now you know how I feel about your ideas sometimes........................
Suzan says - and I'm painting the bedroom walls as well - because they definitely don't go with the dresser now......................
John shakes his head and walks away

Just wanting to make him crazy

Suzan says - John?
John says - yes Suzan
Suzan says - Smile! - ( as I snap a photo of him in his boxers )
John says - DELETE IT NOW
Suzan says - No, there's a contest going on one of the blogs I follow - called  "husbands in boxers"  - and the funniest one wins a weekend trip to Vegas
John says - DELETE IT NOW
Suzan says - No, I really want to go to Vegas - and I think we have a good shot at this
John says - DELETE IT NOW - I'M NOT JOKING SUZAN - DELETE IT NOW
and grabs the camera out of my hand so roughly that I can't believe it's not bruised
Suzan says - That's abuse you know - that's absolute domestic abuse
John says - No actually SCARLETT- what you do to me is domestic abuse


On needing something to make shutters for a dollhouse I had made

Suzan says - do you want a popsicle?
John says - no thanks
Suzan says - Please? We each need to eat a popsicle
John says - I don't feel like a popsicle - why do we NEED to eat one?
Suzan says - I need shutters for the window on the  bread box doll house - and I thought popsicles sticks
would be great for that.
John says - You know no one would believe this - not in a million years. If I tried to tell Chris and Richard
( his golf buddies ) this, they would not believe it



On needing something " nautical " to stage a table with


Suzan says - John do you have anything nautical themed that I can put on the table I just painted
John says - Nope
Suzan says - A book? A magazine? It can be anything really
John says - Nope
Suzan says - Well you're just laying in bed ( it's 12.30 at night mind you ) can you just check for me please,
I really need something to stage the table with and it has to be nautical and I need to send this post out tonight
John says - I don't have anything nautical Suzan - just put a candle on it for crying out loud...............

Sigh - wait a minute what's this



 Suzan says - John would you mind if I painted this and added a temporary mast to it
John says - GIVE THAT BACK - ARE YOU NUTS?  THAT'S AN ANTIQUE SHUTTLE
Suzan says - Shhh - the windows are open - it's the middle of the night
John says - I'M SERIOUS - GIVE THAT BACK TO ME - don't even think of touching it
Suzan says - I think it looks a bit like a boat - I need something nautical
John says - IT'S A SHUTTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT DOESN'T NEED A MAKE OVER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Suzan says - Ok - just let me add a mast to it - I won't paint it -
John says - Good night Suzan -

AND HE ACTUALLY TAKES IT INTO THE BEDROOM WITH HIM, lol


I live in a Victoria Flat with very high ceilings - perched at the very top of this bookshelf was a horse ornament and I decided that is what I would have to use ( since HE wouldn't let me use the boat  shuttle.
So I gingerly climbed up on a stool - and jumped on to the back of the chair and stood on my tip toes and grabbed the horse and promptly started to fall - taking down a ton of books as I landed on the chair -
picture frames crashed to the ground - the stool went flying - chaos - in the middle of the night,

JOHN YELLS -  WHAT THE?????????????????????..................................
Suzan says - I'm ok - don't worry about me
John says - This blog is going to kill you, you know that right? And if it doesn't kill you it'sdefinitely going to kill me
Suzan says - Goodnight John - sleep tight - I have to get this post out to Kaysi

This was a guest post you can see the entire post HERE






On my staging for photos:

JOHN SAYS - Dear God - I really can't take this anymore
SUZAN SAYS - What? What have I done now?
JOHN SAYS - It's like trying to maneouver through a jungle living here ( as he tries to unhook several branches that have gotten caught in his sleeve )
SUZAN SAYS - I'm taking pictures for my blog
JOHN SAYS - You've changed the table I don't know how many times - I mean, what's wrong with you?
SUZAN SAYS - You don't get it
JOHN SAYS - I don't even think your followers get it Suzan -
SUZAN SAYS - I bet you they do John - and by the way you broke a couple of those branches off, could you be more careful, do you think?
JOHN SAYS - Are they your priceless heirlooms for God's sakes - just go out and steal a couple of more from the neighbours why don't you?
JOHN SAYS - why don't you tell your bloggers you're still in your night gown at 12 o'clock noon, eh,
why don't you tell them that?
JOHN SAYS - or do you just want to tell them all the things I say and do?
JOHN SAYS - if only people knew......................

Complete post available HERE

On our 11 year age difference - and our backgrounds I'm Canadian - he's British

So he simply cannot relate to my pop culture - at all.

Tonight there was a commercial on and it was set to the sound track of Grease

OMG I tell him - I watched that movie at least 10 times when it came out, do you remember it?

And he sort of mumbles something under his breath.

I am absolutely incredulous at this - 

Don't you know the movie John?

Yeah - of course I do

What's it about John?

Grease, Suzan, it's about Grease, I'm not an idiot you know.


Complete post available  HERE



On my using giant pom poms to stage a photo of a dresser

John says:  What the hell is hanging from the living room window?
Suzan says: Pom Poms
John says: I know that but what are they doing hanging from the living room window?
Suzan says: I think they look nice - I'm going to use them as window treatments
John says: NO. YOU'RE. NOT
Suzan says: YES, ACTUALLY I AM - they're all the rage John, all my blogger friends are doing
this - I think it's fun - and actually top designers are saying this is a fast easy cost effective solution
to window treatments..................
John says: I don't give a damn what top designers say - It looks like a ^&%*& clown's house
Suzan says: Gawd - you so don't know style
John says: Really Suzan? I think something's happened to you since you started blogging - you used to have great taste
Suzan says: I'm evolving John - now let me get some sleep - please
John says: THEY ARE NOT STAYING SUZAN - THAT'S IT -
Suzan says: Is that your final word?
John says: Yep - Good God the neighbours are going to see them hanging from the window in the morning you know, I can't believe this.
Suzan says: Good night John
John says: Good night Sue ZANNE - ( that's what he calls me when he's really mad at me lol )

Complete post available HERE



On my bringing something home from the curbside ( garbage ) 

John says " you've got to be kidding me "
Suzan says " nope "
John says " now you're going to start going through people's garbage, oh God "
Suzan says " I can do something with this "
John says " did anyone see you walking home with this? "
Suzan says " stop being so pretentious " 
John says " I think you've taken leave of your senses"

and once project was completed

John says " You know something? I really like it "
Suzan says " Put a sock in it John "..............................

Complete post available HERE



On my using decorative branches in the bathroom

After hearing a bellow from the bathroom - followed by mild cursing.........................
Suzan says - " are you ok in there? "
John says - " I think you're trying to kill me "
Suzan says -" I thought you were in the shower?"
John says - " that's not the problem - it's coming out of the shower that's the problem "
Suzan says - " well I didn't do anything wrong this time - I was in the living room "
John says - " I'VE JUST BEEN IMPALED BY A BLOODY TREE "
John says - " who puts branches right in the path of stepping out of a shower?"
John says - " You're getting dangerous "
John says - " yeah go on, laugh ( mimicking a squeaky feminine laugth )
John says - " Now run and tell your blogger friends what I just said - quick Suzan - run.
Suzan says - " OH PLEASE, I don't tell them every single thing you know...................

Complete post available HERE



On stencilling our butcher block island

Suzan says - Do you like it?
John says - What the hell did you do?
Suzan says - I stencilled the island - to make it look like it comes from Paris - that's the address of a Parisien Butcher shop...................
John says - YOU WROTE ON THE TABLE?
Suzan says - well it's a stencil
John says - YOU WROTE ON THE TABLE?
Suzan says - you can't seriously tell me it doesn't look better?
John says -  I cannot believe this, YOU WROTE ON THE TABLE? You had me sand the bloody thing down to bare wood and then you wrote on the table?
John says - and what's with the little pile of fleurs de lys in the corner
Suzan says - they are stragically placed John to cover up stains you made on the table.............and their Parisien
John says - it looks strange - the whole thing looks strange - I mean people don't write on their tables
Suzan says - Are  you nuts?
John says - Are you?
Suzan says - ok - so forget it - you can sand it down tomorrow
John says - NO - I just sanded it last month - is this going to become a weekly thing?
Suzan says - no - I think I may keep it like this for at least 2 months......................
John says - Where's the stencil now?
Suzan says - WHY?
John says - I'm going to burn it - before you write something on the toilet...................

And after he went to bed - I did this....................................... ( you know me by now, right? ) I can't wait till he wakes up,
I.  JUST.  CAN'T.  WAIT.

see full post HERE





On how stupid we can actually be

It's really too hot to work on furniture today - so I've decided to share another conversation - this goes back quite a few years but I can still pee my pants everytime I think of this one........................

We had just bought a duplex and were in the midst of renovating - so strange things were happening at the time,  we had to rewire the house etc...............the wiring was original and the building was very old - plugging in the blowdryer and the toaster at the same time could blow a fuse
(  you get the picture )
The duplex was a semi detached - meaning we owned a bottom - with an upper rental - and attached to us
was another double unit ( like a brownstone really ) OK

John had been travelling on business in N.Y. - and had arrived home very late in the evening - well after midnight - he came in through the garage and walked up the stairs to the main level landing where he put his briefcase and suitcases down.....................

Suzan says - Oh I'm so glad you're home - how was the drive..................and I stop abruptly and listen to a very distinctive " sizzling " sound
Suzan says  - OMG - the wiring is making a funny noise
John says - how long  has it been doing that?
Suzan says  - I've only just noticed it
John says - well we have to find the source of this - I'm going to go to check all the rooms -
Suzan says - it seems to be loudest on the connecting wall to the neighbours - we have to let them know -
maybe it's THEIR wiring -
John says - well let me check first................
John says - I think  you're right - what do we do -
Suzan says - You have to go wake them up John!!!! This is an emergency
( by now I was absolutely frantic - I had teenage kids sleeping in their rooms downstairs )

and off he went - rang the neighbours door - woke them up - (they answered the door in their pajamas )  explained the situation - to which they immediately became frantic as well - running all over their place - " listening " to the walls - nope, it was not coming from their place....................

John says - We'll have to continue this tomorrow morning
Suzan says - We most certainly cannot wait till morning - the wires are frying for God's sakes - we could all be dead in the morning -
Suzan says - I'm calling an emergency electrician

Obviously I got the answering service - and I explain to the woman ( and I'm near tears at this point )
that our electricity is " sizzling " in the walls - and that we need someone here immediately
And 2 minutes after I hang up - my daughter comes thumping up the stairs - throws John's briefcase at us
and says

CAN YOU TURN YOUR TRAVEL ALARM OFF PLEASE - I HAVE EXAMS EARLY TOMORROW MORNING..................................

If they gave out awards for stupidity I tell ya - there would be no contest
Absolutely none.
But his alarm sounded like wires sizzling I swear.

Later in bed..................

Suzan says - maybe we shouldn't have bought a fixer upper
John says - I warned you - I'm not handy......................

that's the entire post!

On doing a post on what we were having for dinner

John says - You're not.
Suzan says - Oh you scared me - don't sneak up on my like that John
John says - You're not doing what I'm thinking you're doing
Suzan says - what?
John says - You're not taking a picture of the potatoes for your blog - pls tell me you're not doing this
Suzan says - Well I've noticed lots of people post photos of their meals and add the recipe as they go
John says - This is borderline now - you realize that, right? Absolutely borderline - and if you think people give a damn what your having for supper then you're losing your grip on reality my girl, in fact I think it's long gone now anyway.
Suzan says - It's not that their interested in what I'm eating John - I'm just sharing a recipe really
John says - But I just saw you take a picture of the potatoes - why can't you just type the recipe in - why do people have to see a bowl of potatoes?  Do you think they're stupid?  Surely they know what they look like for God's sakes.
Suzan says - So forget it - I won't post the photo of the potatoes - you're really making a big deal out of this. 
Suzan says - can you cut up Soda's food please
John - why, are  you going to take a picture of what the dog eats?

and just before we sat down to eat

Suzan says - STOP - do not eat a bite of that yet - my batteries died
John says - Ok Suzan - enough is enough
Suzan says - I'm going to change the batteries - don't eat until I take a photo
and I run out of the kitchen - change the batteries - but it was too late
John says - I put up with a lot for the sake of your blog - I'm not going to start eating cold suppers
Suzan says - thanks a lot - bon appetit -

and our dinner conversation once we sat down

John says - I thought you were doing a furniture makeover blog
Suzan says - I am - for the most part - but I can sprinkle it with other things to keep it from
getting boring
John says - but you're all over the place now
Suzan says - yes, but I'm MOSTLY furniture - except I can't do a piece of furniture a day everydayyou know, anyway it's sort of an online diary really - and I've made a lot of new friends that I share it with.

SILENCE - and then this: Stone faced serious

John says - so tell me Suzan - if you wanted to do a post on bath salts - would you take a photo of yourself naked in the bath?  Just to share with your friends?

You can find the whole post HERE



Another dinner conversation


Kidney Beany Linguini

John says - Why are there kidney beans in the spaghetti?
Suzan says - It's a new recipe I found - Kidney Beany Linguini  ( I think very quickly let me tell you ) 
John says - Think I'll just make a sandwich Suzan
Suzan says - Oh will you just try it already?  I can never try any new recipes because you're so picky - and I found this and have been dying to try it - just give it a chance
John says - mmmm, not bad at all
Suzan says - You see?

I WILL NOT TELL HIM THAT I'M GOING AS BLIND AS A BAT - AND THOUGHT I TOOK OUT THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE FROM THE FREEZER LAST NIGHT.
AND I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT TELL HIM I TOOK OUT THE CHILE SAUCE BY ACCIDENT - BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO TRY CHILE 

and actually my Kidney Beany Linguini was amazingly delish!
you must try this next time you take the chile out by accident

and I kept a straight face throughout the entire meal - he has no idea....................




On seeing something I wanted John to stop for

Ok - here we go - we were on our way out on the weekend - again I'm all dressed up - hair done - and we were just pulling out of our alley in the back ( duh - as opposed to the alley in the front? )

Suzan screams - STOP THE CAR
John says - Now what?
Suzan says - I saw something
John says - What? There's absolutely nothing there
Suzan says - Please stop the car - I saw something I want
John says - Where for God Sakes? THERE'S NOTHING THERE - what do you want to take, the neighbours rose bush?
Suzan says - Stop the car John or I'll jump out while it's moving -

He stops the car and I run in my high heels - and grab my treasure and run back to the car

John says - I had to slam the brakes for THAT?


John says - how did you even SEE that?  What are you a hawk?
Suzan says - well it was there John - in plain sight - you must be going blind
John says - it's aproximately a 12 inch piece of rotting wood - excuse me for not jumping
up and down in glee for a piece of rubbish ( yes he called it rubbish - he's British remember )
Suzan says - I have something in mind for it
John says - You're not going to put that piece of *&^$ on your blog are you?
Suzan says - of course I am
John says - you don't get embarassed, do you?
Suzan says - not at all - absolutely not at all
John says - Just do me a favor ok?  Don't give any of our fabric customers your blog - I don't need them
to see what you're doing on the side - business is bad enough
John says - you're worse than a homeless person - they wouldn't even take that filthy piece of crap
John says - Good God - look at your hands, their filthy now
Suzan says - Oh be quiet John - or I'll wipe them on your suit...........................

Tonight I did this



because my " picking " and blogging seems to be removing a substantial amount of it from our home, lol


Kind of cute, no?

John says - You know what Suzan - I gotta hand it to you - I like it
Suzan says - Oh, go tell it on the mountain................................



 Here is how you get what you want:

"John have you noticed how dirty the carpet gets from Soda?"

"No but I've noticed painted footprints all along my side of the bed."

"Oh that was an accident - but the carpet was really dirty anyway
and I can't keep getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing
it all the time - I'm 52 years old John"

"Umph, but you can move furniture around the house and paint it every few
months - and sand and strip and paint furniture almost daily"

"But that's not hard work John - anyways we need to have the floor changed,
I guess it'll be a couple of thousand dollars -"

No words from John on this one - just a set look on his face

"OMG - I just had an incredible idea John - we could paint it ( see, here you must use the word "we"  )
Let me go google it for some ideas and we could see how it looks , maybe that could work."

You're not painting the bloody floors Suzan - is nothing safe from your paint brush at all?

I run to the computer and open the file where I have saved all the photos to show him - and then
call him into the office -

"Here's a few, what do you think?"

"I suppose that could be an option - more affordable anyways"

"I don't know John - maybe we should just bite the bullet and have the floors changed "

"No - I think the painted floors may look really nice "

"Ok - I'll try it then, no harm done if down the road we have to change them anyway "

"Now you're talking rational Suzan"


Mission accomplished - since I had no intentions of changing the floors at all.

You can read the post HERE
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HIS THINGS - HER STUFF  ( on finding one of my dresses in his closet )

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11 comments:

  1. Goodness, are all men alike?? John sounds like my husband: what the hell is all this crap doing in the garage? You really need to get rid of it before winter (it's July). Lol. What a riot.

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  2. From people's responses I'm starting to think they must be, lol
    So many have told me they could be conversations in their own homes,
    Thanks for dropping by!
    :)

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  3. Seriously, Suzan. You need to publish a book with these conversations in them!!!!! Seriously!!!!!!!! You are as funny as Erma Bombeck, girl!!!! And then go tell John that you're on the road to becoming famous. See what how he responds to that. lolol!

    xoxo laurie

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  4. I simply HAVE to read these to my husband!! I love these, and agree with Laurie, you are becoming famous!
    Thank you for so many laughs, my stomache hurts from laughing so hard, but that's a great pain!
    Debbie :)

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  5. Oh, yes......you are so funny....my side hurts....i'm sending these on to my best friend, who runs the other way when i start a project, but doesn't say a word when he finally moves the armoire door from behind his chair in the breakfast room so he can sit at his own place at the table for breakfast. And he says not a word when the door has been there for the last four weekends. In his house, he would have the doors painted and back on the armoire in less time than it takes him to make spaghetti and garlic bread. And it would be a perfect paint job, but he's had half a century of practice and i'm just getting started.....but he has taught me how to paint a room without spilling a drop of paint, so he's good to keep around. Goshdarn, I wish i could meet John. He sounds like a gem of a man! You too, Suzan...of course.....But I especially want to buy your book when it's published......so when I'm old I can die laughing......LOL

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    Replies
    1. LOL - I just reread them myself and I'm laughing too Marje!!!
      I'm telling you I'm always in hysterics in this house - he is hilarious!
      Thanks so much for taking the time to read this page,
      Much love,
      Suzan

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  6. Just took some time to read through the conversations..... I think the Erma Bombeck comparison is so apt.... we needed someone to fill that void and you are it...... Erma had a loving husband......

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  7. OMG, I laughed until tears rolled. I really think you should compile all of the conversations in a book ...for women. Men have no sense of humor about these things. I started to get my hubby to read one, then thought better about it. I know what his take would be "what's so funny? Look at what that guy has to go through? Why would you find that funny.....why are you laughing...I am NOT taking that dresser thing down to the basement...."
    Men defy logic and logic can't find them! Thanks for making my day.

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  8. Oh my freaking goodness. I have never laughed so hard. Here's a conversation of ours 5 minutes ago. him-WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE??
    me-Nothing. Just reading a funny blog.
    him-Well tell it I'm trying to sleep up here.
    me-whatever.
    him-they said WHAT?
    me- WHATEVER.
    him-yea WHATEVER. I don't know about blogs but some of us have to work for a living.
    me-ok, I'll be quiet. Sorry. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
    him-I'm gonna come down there and give that blog a what for.
    me-what???
    him-please just tell the blog good night. (He has no idea what a blog is)
    Good thing I'm finished reading. Thanks for the laughs!!
    Oh, and that last bit of yours about the floors reminded me of when I wanted to paint our brick house green and he wanted it red. Yea, red. I found a website where you could choose your style home and then virtually paint it to see what it would look like. I did one in the green I wanted and one in the most hideous color of red I could find. One I knew he'd hate. He readily agreed to green when he saw the comparison. It didn't even enter his mind that there could be other shades of red. ;)

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  9. THANK YOU for delighting me to no end as I sipped a latte on my afternoon homeschool break. Not only are these conversations hilarious, your retelling makes them even better! LOVED this :-)

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  10. I just love these..Too funny MEN!

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Due to a large amount of spam ( that I'm tired of going back to posts and deleting ) I'll be using comment moderation from now on !!!
Can I beat these spammers at their own game? Probably not - but I'm going
to try my damnedest !!!
xoxo