Wednesday, May 25, 2016

LIAR, LIAR ( s )

Good morning everyone :)

I've been posting so seldom that I've forgotten how to get into the rhythm of the whole thing - and then yesterday - BAM - I had something to blog about.
And warn you about.

But first I need to explain that I'm an IKEA expert - I really am.
Bring me home cabinets - bookcases - and I'll have them assembled and loaded within an hour - it's true that - braggadocious as that may seem ( hey I like that word ! That's the first time I've ever used it in a sentence but I'm going to start using it once a day :)

Sooooo when I saw this from the above mentioned store I jumped on it.

It's a larger version of the bed netting that they sell and which I've assembled a few in my lifetime - piece of cake really..............

PINTEREST
I thought it would make a great little area for the kids to have picnics - or babies to nap etc.....
And that's where I went wrong.
If I could just look at something in a store and think " Oh how pretty " and walk away but N.O.
I always think " oh how pretty - I MUST have it "

I tried to set it up the night I brought it home but I was tired and so I left it for a week or so and then there was all the setting up in the backyard - cleaning - organizing - summer furniture to wash and install ..........finally I was ready.


10 minutes at most.........thread a few bars through the top and run outside and hang it up.
The man in the illustration did it all by himself and I wanted to surprise John.
B.U.T.
That man in the illustration is a liar.
I don't like to call people that ( well except when I do ) and I'm not accusing Ikea of lying - not at all
but they should be more careful of their illustration people because this guy is just an out and out liar.
Lying Illustration Man - to be referred to as LIM from here on in.


First of all unless he's 9 feet tall he's not holding it like that ( and he looks like he's on the short side in my humble opinion AND I don't like his haircut - he looks like a lego man )
So I improvised and hung it up before starting
( I bet some of you sewers could whip that up into a wedding dress quicker than I was able to put this freaking thing together )
Even hanging up it would have trailed across the entire kitchen floor and yet the LIM simply dangled it from arm's length.


Anyway I got it up and proceeded to thread the bars across.................
JESUS HOW HE WEPT - HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE - OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN
I can't recall - seriously - I just can't recall when I've wanted to take an item I've bought and rip it into shreds - then stamp on it - spit on it - swear at it - throw it in the garbarge - and then open the lid and spit on it one last time.
Which is what I should have done.

BUT that LIM was such a great con artist that he had me believing I could do this.


Do you see that smallest arrow in the inset photo?
It shows the slit being in the middle of the hem - MIDDLE................
I spent at least 20 minutes trying to find it before giving up and assuming it was faulty and they just hadn't made the openings.
So I made them with a steak knife.
Listen - it's all I had around me ( I was working in the kitchen ) it was that or plunge it into my heart in frustration.
I then proceeded to push the bars through............5 minutes left until I'd have this pretty number set up under a tree in the garden !


But this proved to be more awkward than the LIM showed and at one point one of those bars came dangerously close to going through the kitchen hutch..........


And so I took it into the living room and hung it from the ceiling light and just to give you perspective we have tall ceilings and still it draped a couple of feet onto the floor ( remember the above arms in the photo? )
Anyway I hung it from the ceiling and stood on the coffee table when I heard a loud crack.........

Oh no.........
My coffee table ( trunk ) split ............#^$*!@&^%$
John will kill me !


But I didn't have time to worry about that..............so I ran and got a ladder and set it up and once again proceeded to thread the bars through the carefully slashed openings I made with the steak knife.


Until I noticed they were hanging kind of limply.
That's when I discovered that the bars had magically found the correct openings ( WHICH WERE NOT ON THE SIDE BUT UNDERNEATH - THAT LIM AGAIN ) and slid themselves through somehow - so half were in the slats and half were dangling on the OUTSIDE.

I started over...........using the correct slats and glanced over at the clock - I was now approaching an hour when the phone rang.
It was John - asking if I needed something - A BREAK !
I asked him to pick up bread ( because that would give me an extra 15 minutes - which was all I needed after all !


Those are not huge knitting needles - those are the last step in the process
I rested them on a bar stool because they kept falling on the floor and then the fabric would come dangerously close to " unthreading " ( new word - feel free to use it if you find yourself in the same scenario ).
Notice the angle?
They have to be bent to attach each other and form a circle.............
But the LIM is simply standing there very easily sliding them into each other and presto - done.


I couldn't do it.
I simply couldn't do it.
I put the ladder underneath the canopy and worked from the inside thinking that would help but ended up with the freaking thing all wrapped around me with me frantically trying to claw my way out of it..........screaming in frustration.
And John walked through the door.

John says - WHAT IN GOD'S NAME?
Suzan says - HELP ME !!!!!!!!
Suzan says - I CAN'T STAND IT
John says - WHAT THE HELL IS IT ?
Suzan says - IT'S A CANOPY
John says - IT'S A WHAT-WHAT???
Suzan says - I'M HYPERVENTILATING - HELP ME OUT OF HERE

He got the fabric untangled and I stepped down from the ladder - grabbed the thing and threw it across the room.

John says - ONLY IN THIS HOUSE.........I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD ONLY HAPPEN IN THIS HOUSE !
Suzan says - Do you think you can help me?  I bought it for you !
John says - I'm not going in that thing - are you nuts?
John says - What'll happen when it's windy?  It'll wrap itself around us like mummies for God's sake.
John says - Don't you EVER think things through?
John says - I'll help you later - I have emails to send.

But I couldn't wait.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened - but the way it landed on the floor when I threw it across the room was the perfect position for me to connect the last pieces !

AND THE LIM NEVER ILLUSTRATED THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran outside and hung it from a tree


Then put the kettle on and called John to come downstairs.

John says - I'm sending emails - is it important?
Suzan says - I'm making tea - we can have it outside

John came downstairs - took a look at it - and burst out laughing


John says - I'm not sitting in that thing I can tell you that
John says - It looks like something out of Lawrence of Arabia
John says - I'm not sitting in that thing
Suzan says - You're repeating yourself again.
John says - The birds are going to shit all over it you know.
John says - First big wind and it'll be ripped to shreds
John says - The squirrels will have holes in it by tonight
Suzan says - Don't you have emails to send or something????

It's summertime and the livin' is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
One of these mornings I'm going to rise up singing ( I swear I am )



Just wait till you hear our pool story...........good grief.
Have a wonderful day everyone - I'm going to sit in my tent and contemplate life.

Hugs to all of you -
Love
Me










Friday, May 13, 2016

A FRIDAY CHAT ( about this & that )


Hi !  I've been waiting for you - come in !

Tea and Coffee are waiting for you in the kitchen - I'm sitting in the den this morning - it looks like rain so I'm contemplating getting dressed ........or not.
I'm working on a beast of an armoire and prefer painting in my pjs so it may work out perfectly !

What's that ?
Where's the milk for you tea or the cream for your coffee?

Well............there's a bit of each left in the fridge but I've been having a hard time lately.
The bug has bitten me ..........not enough to kill me completely just enough to make me conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth and what the cost of that really is.  ( not in dollars )

I want to go back to my childhood when I could just ram carcasses down my throat and say YUM and not have to think of anything other than that YUM..
I still ram them down my throat just not as frequently............and I very seldom yell out YUM these days ( although admittedly I sometimes whisper it guiltily to myself )
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Which brings me to the milk and cream.
The thought struck my mind the other night that cows are the most docile animals out there.
Is that why we started stealing their milk from them?
What was wrong with drinking our Mother's milk?
Who was the first person that got splatted with cow milk - smacked his lips and thought " Holy COW I'm onto something here - this is going to score huge points with the wife " ?
I mean we couldn't be drinking Bears Milk because the first person that tried it would have been slam dunked into the forest and left there dying.
Same thing for Wolves Milk.
Or Cheetah's milk.
No - we went with even tempered.
Sorry Betsy..............we're a selfish lot.
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I've been counting calories and walking walking walking.
The other day I left enough calories to include a soft cone ice cream ( my weakness )
And I did research on the calorie intake from different ice cream sellers.
The winner by far was Ikea - at 135 of them ( plus it's only a dollar so that appeals to John as well )

Suzan says - I feel like an ice cream
John says - So lets go to DQ
Suzan says - Well the ice cream from Ikea has the least calories and to be honest with you it's my favorite one
John says - IKEA?  ARE YOU NUTS ?  THERE'S A DQ DOWN THE STREET!
Suzan says - Too many calories !
Suzan says - Plus it's only a dollar at Ikea......

So off we went........happily singing camp songs in the car ( not true that )

But you know how it is - those damn arrows on the floor dragged me through the store first.

John says - I KNEW IT !  YOU DIDN'T WANT ICE CREAM AT ALL !
Suzan says - Shhhhhh - My God - why are you always yelling?
John says - WE CAME FOR A BLOODY ICE CREAM !

We left with some art work - a lantern - candles - a bathroom mat................and an ice cream cone each.
It was delicious.

Suzan says - Now wasn't that worth it. For a dollar each ?
John says - Listen these 2 ice creams cost almost a 100.00 dollars.
John says - We're going to the DQ next time.........
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I picked up Ashley a lantern for her deck..............with some candles.
John says - What are you getting that for - we have tons of lanterns?
Suzan says - This one's for Ashley
John says - Why - did she ask you to pick one up for her?
Suzan says -No - Evan asked me to
John says - You're so ridiculous...........

But I swear to you the last time I had him he said these three words very succinctly

MA.............LA................CA

Which means

MAma wants a LAntern with some CAndles.
I speak Evan.
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I never have cash on me.
NEVER
I use my debit card ( or far too often - my credit card shhh )
So when I got to the cash to pay for the ice cream cones and discovered that I had enough change in my wallet I decided to pay with coins.
That included a few pennies.
I handed the girl my stash and she says
" Oh we don't take pennies "
WHAT THE HELL?
My feathers got a little ruffled and I indignantly explained to her that pennies are M.O.N.E.Y. - when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
A lady behind me explained that pennies were taken out of circulation in Canada.
LAST YEAR.
Jesus how he wept - I have to get in tune with the times.
How embarrassing.

Anyway I'm putting this out here because maybe somewhere in the remote mountains of this country there's a hermit ( and a miser ) who's been saying his pennies for over 70 years and he's now worth a million dollars in them.
He's worn the same coat for 50 of those years because he didn't want to squander those pennies away.
He's been eating shit crap for 50 of those years too as he squirreled them away.
AND NOW HE'S WORTH NOTHING !!!
And he's probably a relative of mine with my luck.

A penny saved is a penny earned burned in Oh Canada it would seem.
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John and I have arguments about lights.
( when we're out of other things to argue about of course )
I turn the outside lights on at night.
ALL night.
It's a deterrent right?
John shuts them off - I turn them on - John shuts them off....this goes on all night and the one that stays up the latest wins ( me )
The neighbors must think we're sending out signals to the enemy or something,
John woke up yesterday and the first thing he did was run to the bedroom window and look down.

John booms - WELL I LOVE HOW THE LIGHT SHINES OUTSIDE IN THE MORNING FOR THE COURIERS TO FIND THEIR WAY TO OUR DOOR.
Suzan says -  Listen buddy did our house get broken into last night?
John says - Don't be ridiculous.
Suzan says - FINE !  I'll turn the lights out - but if we're robbed and in the process I'm raped and tortured and killed IT'LL BE ON YOUR BACK - YOU'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT DECISION !
And for the first time in ever I did NOT turn the light on.
You can imagine my surprise when I looked out and saw it shining bright.
A beacon of hope !
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Ok guys I'm outta here.
I have to pick up milk and cheese today.
I feel guilty about it but I HAVE to.
You understand............

Love to all of you -
I think out of all my blogging I've missed our chats the most.
Have a wonderful weekend

Hugs,
Me